There were some disparaging comments sprayed around here the other day about some of the gifts we Scots have given the world. Yes, we are thrifty. We don’t like wasting anything. We figured out that if you take all the bits of a sheep that can’t be sold as food (for human consumption, anyway), stuff them in the sheep’s stomach with some spices and cook it all up, you get either a damned fine meal or something to instill fear into the hearts of your enemies.
And yes, we gave g*lf to the world. Sorry ’bout that one.
But, with the exception of that one little slip, just about every single useful and necessary invention known to the modern world has come from Scotland, and here’s a little story to illustrate (it must be true, ‘coz I found it printed on a tea-towel at my Mum’s place):
“The typical Englishman finishes his breakfast of toast and MARMALADE invented by Mrs Keiller of Dundee, Scotland and slips into his RAINCOAT patented by Charles MacIntosh from Glasgow, Scotland.
He walks to his office along an English Lane which is surfaced by TARMAC, invented by John Loudon MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland – or, he drives his car which is fitted with PNEUMATIC TYRES patented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. Before he acquired a car he used to travel to his office by train which was powered by a STEAM ENGINE invented by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland.
In his office he deals with mail bearing ADHESIVE STAMPS invented by John Chalmers, of Dundee, Scotland, and makes frequent use of the TELEPHONE invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND.
At home in the evening he dines no his favourite traditional ROAST BEEF from Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland, and then watches an item on TELEVISION, an invention of John Logie Baird, of Helensburgh, Scotland. The program he watches is about John Paul Jones, Father of the UNITED STATES NAVY, born in Kirkbean, Scotland.
His son prefers to read TREASURE ISLAND written by Robert Louis Stevenson, born in Edinburgh, Scotland, whilst his daughter plays in the garden on her BICYCLE, an invention of Kirkpatrick MacMillan, of Thornhill, Scotland.
It is impossible for an Englishman (or anyone else, for that matter) to escape the ingenuity of the Scots!
In desperation, he turns to his BIBLE only to find that the first persion mentioned in the Good Book is a Scot – King James VI, who authorised its translation.
He could, of course, take to drink, but Scotland makes the finest WHISKY in all the world. Nearing the end of his tether he could uplift a rifle to end it all, but the BREECH-LOADING RIFLE was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson, of Pitfours, Scotland.
Anyway, if he escaped death he could find himself injected with PENICILLIN, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming, Bacteriologist, of Darvel, Scotland, or given CHLOROFORM, an anaesthetic first used by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of his anaesthetic his mood would not be improved if his Surgeon told him he was as safe as THE BANK OF ENGLAND, which was founded by William Paterson, of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps, in order to get some peace, he should request a transfusion of guid Scottish blood so that he too would be entitled to ask –
Wha’s Like us? – Damn Few And They’re A’Deid!”
I reckon all that almost makes up for giving g*lf to the world, don’t you?
:whoop I reckon it does–and it doesn’t even mention a whole heap of other achievements by Scots men and women.
On the other hand, given the godawful climate of the place, it’s no wonder so many sat at home scheming and inventing–they could hardly venture outside. Those that did, did so in order to play a major role in colonising (eg civilising) half the world–a happy by-product of their escape from Castle Gloom. Great builders of sailing ships, too…..
It’s the fact that I used to admire the Scots so much that makes me so sad when I see the depths of PC crap the country has sunk in to since about the early nineties, though.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who had his car stolen? he said “I wouldna mind so much, because it was insured..but I still had sixpence left in the parking meter!”
(You knew that was coming, didn’t you?)
Aye, an dae ye ken da ain aboout copper wire bein invened by tae Scotsmen fight’n o’er a peany?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Vi9N8_Mbo :cheers
Ciaron, it’s grossly unfair of you to post that link without a corresponding translation, for those of our readers not versed in the subtleties of the Connolly prose!
But, it would loose all meaning in translation!
True enough. You can’t translate cadence, timing and pitch, canya? :popcorn
Aahhh wai-a-mana!, sim jokrs bin up an nailed me tae th’ wid! :cheers
KG, I agree what you say about the problems in Scotland. A once-proud people cowed by the soft tyranny of ratchet socialism.
Personally, I blame the English. All that free money has left Scotland lazy and dependent. Now, instead of staying out of the weather inventing and creating, they stay out of the weather drinking, watching TV and grizzling.
An independent Scotland would solve the problem, no?
Yes. I’m all for it. England may provide a lot of material support, but as you say, English welfare is destroying the culture of a fine people.
O/T, we have a partly-cloudy day here, for the first time on two months. Makes a nice change from cloudless blue.
All is forgiven …….. You gave us Lagavulin. :whoop mawm
I know what my Christmas present is now. $159.60 from Glengarry’s.
And Laphroaig. :cheers
I see I’m in the midst of two cultured and refined Gentlemen. Do you need my address to post these gifts to, or will you send them on the chopper or swiftboat?
(If you’re sending them, please make sure the scotch gets dropped off before Harvard is picked up. You know how he likes a tipple!)
Harvard is American….so he’s more likely to drink the bilge water.
Is that the official name for “bourbon”?
$98/l at duty free and then extra off because the admiral bought some Campari.
Anonymawm of course. :cheers
In desperation, he turns to his BIBLE only to find that the first persion mentioned in the Good Book is a Scot – King James VI, who authorised its translation.
Sorry but in my Book it says that the first person mentioned is G-d. Who is definitely NOT a Scotsman. And in your Book it does mention Jesus who was definitely a Jew.
hmmm…Opening my KJV, and the very first paragraph:
“THE HOLY BIBLE, Containing the Old Testament, and the new: Translated out of the Original tongues & with the former Translations diligently compared and revised, by his Majesties special Commandment”
His Majesty being James VI of Scotland (James I of England).
:popcorn :popcorn :popcorn
In the beginning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים, אֵת הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ.
I read the original, you get the bad translation.
:whoop
I must’ve gotten the Cliff Notes!
LOL
Twa Scotsmen are fishing in a remote highland river when th’ first turns and says: Angus, God must be Scottish! just luuk at the’ majeestic moutn’s, the’ buteful glenn’s, thus glorous burrn. Crafted by th’ Almighty imself for is choosen peepl, The Scots.
To which his companion replies:
Tru, tru Donald… but luuk ‘a the bastards he geeve us fer neighbours!
I’m sure God’s other “chosen people” could have a very similar conversation (perhaps not moutns, glens and burrn, but definitely the bit about the neighbours).
G-d gave us those neighbors to keep us on our toes!
Hmm..mine says Jimmysix too….
I’d forgive the scots everything else just for the Lagavulin 16yo and the Laphroaig Quarter-Cask.
And their magnificent Regiments…..
Oldie but a goodie………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfnsVqwF05M&feature=youtube_gdata_player
:whoop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kK6LkpfZ94s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDoM8pEDcLo
Legendary sailor Tristan Jones once wrote of coming up to moorings in Port Sudan – the innermost, obscure crack of the world’s colon located on the Red Sea. Exhausted he was just dropping off to sleep in the cabin when in through the porthole was the voice of a bloody Scotchman shouting orders to the indolent locals.
Jones’ comment: “Where ever you go in the world you’ll find some little Scotchman telling other people what to do.”
Gordon Brooon is Scotch.
Does he feature in the Lexicon of Scotch Over Achievement? :censor
Ya know what, Flashy, I reckon our ledger must be just about balanced. The “one-eyed Scottish git” (thank you, Jeremy!) brings us back to level.
Now, to get us back into credit, shall we talk about how the Scots won Wellington’s war against Napoleon? Or how the Scots built the Royal Navy which defeated Hitler and won WWII?
Just one thing. This Scotch we are talking about, is it single or double malt?
:cheers
that will be Scotch on the rocks-12 or 16 year old single malt will do,,,
thank you for the heads up on the others –as I usually order one of the two Gs here in CA….
as to the OKJ- that is my primary read—it should be read aloud- occasionally- as it is rather poetic in nature and poetry must be read aloud—
Carol-CS
You pollute good Single Malt with … water?
Philistine! :whoop
that will be Scotch on the rocks-12 or 16 year old single malt will do
THOU SHALT BLOODY NOT! :rant
OK- at least I no longer order-
Scotch and water on the rocks-
OK! : – )
C-CS
My ex father in law was excommunicated by a friend of mine when he was asked how he’d like his scotch and replied “with ice, please”.
She never again offered him good whiskey.
And good for her, too! Y’only contaminate Whiskey when you’re forced to drink that firewater the mad bloody Irish make. And you’d only drink that if you’ve already drunk the good stuff – by which time it doesn’t really matter what you contaminate it with! :whoop
She was a Scotswoman, Gantt. A GP with some very firm ideas……she also built her own yacht and sure knew how to sail.
We – who were raised in areas w/ basement (always chilly down there) are used to our wines (even reds) and Scotch a bit chilly –so – I even add a cube of ice to my excellent red wines-so there!
We Viking – N. Iris-Scots- like the cold and drink them – chilly-
C-CS
that would be
N. IRISH-Scot
Time for me to take a break from the blog world – and open a good Pinot Noir—-
one cube please : – )
C-CS
Just kidding…if a red wine is too warm, I do the same Carol.
I thought warm alcohol was an, an english thing
May I suggest applying more resources to the alcohol storage temperature problem? It may involve long hours, with little pay… but an excellent opportunity to do some real in-depth study and testing :cheers