open house

Posted on November 8, 2011 by KG

Darin obviously needs a place to tell jokes!

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36 Responses to open house

  1. mawm says:
    November 8, 2011 at 15:15

    Oh well somebody has to start.
    Wife’s Diary:

    All day, I thought my husband was acting kind of weird.
    We’d made plans yesterday to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
    As I’d been shopping with my friends all day, I thought he might have
    been upset I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn’t exactly flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere
    quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
    I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
    He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
    worry about it.
    On the way home in the car, I told him that I loved him.
    He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
    I can’t explain his behaviour and I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love
    you, too.’
    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
    nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, watching TV.
    He continued to seem distant.
    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
    About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
    and his thoughts were obviously somewhere else.
    After he fell asleep – I cried.
    I don’t know what to do.
    I’m almost sure that his thoughts are about someone else.
    My life is a disaster.

    Husband’s Diary:

    Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out.

  2. KG says:
    November 8, 2011 at 15:30

    LOL! :lol: Perfectly understandable.

  3. Moist von Lipwig says:
    November 8, 2011 at 15:48

    Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. ”I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
    ”Okay then,” said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
    Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
    ”I am so sorry,” she said. ”I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

    …”It’s swollen,” Fred replied.

    She ran out of the room..

  5. Andrei says:
    November 8, 2011 at 16:17

    Ok – if doctor and dick jokes are the order of the day

    A man goes to the doctor.

    The receptionist asks him “What seems to be the trouble today Mr Smith?”

    The man replies “Its my dick, there is something wrong with it“.

    The receptionist turns beet red “you’re disgusting” she says and bursts into tears.

    When the man gets into the doctors surgery the doctor asks him what he said to upset the receptionist. The man tells him.

    Good God, man” says the doctor, “you don’t need to tell her the details – next time tell a little white lie, say its your knee or an ingrown toenail or something.”

    “Righto Doc” says the man “I’ll remember that“.

    Anyway he’s back the next week and the receptionist says “Good morning Mr Smith and what is the trouble with us today?”

    “It’s my elbow” he replies, remembering the doctors advice from his last visit.

    “And what is the matter with our elbow today?” she asks.

    “I don’t know” he replies “but I don’t seem to be able to piss out of it“

  6. Darin says:
    November 8, 2011 at 16:37

    “I” need a place to tell jokes? Nope,I can plunk one down pretty much anywhere :grin:

    Woman broke down on the side of the road flags down a state trooper as he is passing.

    Trooper “asks what’s the problem?”

    Well she says ” I was bent over looking for the jack in my trunk when this Texan ran up behind me,flipped my dress up over my head and had his way with me.Then he just got in his truck and took off fast as that”

    “Did you get his license number?”Says the trooper

    “No,I told you my dress was over my head”

    “Well how do you know he was from Texas?”he asked

    She answered,”well simple,because he had a 2″ dick and a 10″belt buckle”

  8. Cadwallader says:
    November 8, 2011 at 16:49

    Here’s one for KG:

    Why do muslim men like having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
    Because there’s twenty of them!

  9. Darin says:
    November 8, 2011 at 16:54

    Once again-there is what the Media says happened and what the WH says happened and then there is what really happened-

    http://dailycaller.com/2011/11/07/correcting-the-fairy-tale-a-seals-account-of-how-osama-bin-laden-really-died/

    • Kris K says:
      November 9, 2011 at 15:17

      Thanks Darin – looks like a deliberate ploy by Obama to spoil intelligence so that most of the Al Qaeda hierarchy would evade capture. Thereby permitting them to fight another day. More treason by the ‘Appeaser in Chief’.

  10. The Gantt Guy says:
    November 8, 2011 at 17:56

    I f*cking hate the 1%. I work hard. I pay my bills. I raise my family. I am the 99%, not some smelly commie f*cker free-camping in a park that my f*cking rates pay for.

    /rant

    • Andrei says:
      November 8, 2011 at 18:21

      Maybe Emmylou can cheer you up? I dunno ’bout you but it works for me.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsvrQMHwwC4

    • mawm says:
      November 9, 2011 at 06:25

      It’s the 47% who live off the money that is stolen from me by the government that piss me off. I have always worked effing long hard hours to earn it while the 47%’ers have partied and pissed it up always knowing that they will just keep on voting for the politician who promises them the most ‘free’ money.

      The 1% with the big money don’t worry me one bit as they are not using my money and they’re all wankers anyway.

    • mawm says:
      November 9, 2011 at 17:22

      GG – I hope you come back to the thread and read this:-

      The Real 1%
      http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2804431/posts

      Roughly 80 percent of millionaires in America are the first generation of their family to be rich. They didn’t inherit their wealth; they earned it.

      ……slightly less than 14 percent were involved in banking or finance.

      ……”higher-income folks work more hours than lower-wage earners do.”

      …….the top 1 percent pay 36.7 percent of all federal income taxes. Because, as noted above, they earn just 16 percent of all income, that certainly seems like more than a fair share.

      …….Households with more than $1 million in income donated more than $150 billion to charity last year, roughly half of all US charitable donations.

      Sounds like they do their share.

      • The Gantt Guy says:
        November 9, 2011 at 17:26

        Sure does sound like they do their share, mawm. Especially when you co sider they are likely the ones who started businesses and hired a few people along the way. These people’s contribution goes beyond their personal wealth.

  11. mara says:
    November 9, 2011 at 08:30

    You want a larf? Check out frontpagemag.com for a lovely pic and story about our dear departed leader Helen Klarke in her “job” as administrator of the UN Development prog; :The UN Push for Global Taxes: :shock: Hot.

  12. WAKE UP says:
    November 9, 2011 at 08:44

    Isn’t it interesting that there are no vagina jokes? ;-)

  13. Richard says:
    November 9, 2011 at 10:24

    A BASIC HISTORY OF THE CONDOM

    In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.
    In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

  14. Richard says:
    November 9, 2011 at 16:21

    Decision Time

    If the dog is barking and scratching at the back door, and the wife is shouting and screaming at the front door, who do you let in.

    The dog – it will settle down once its in.

  15. Darin says:
    November 9, 2011 at 16:37

    Difference between a Terrorist and a pissed off woman?

    You can negotiate with a Terrorist.

  16. George Romero says:
    November 9, 2011 at 18:10

    The iranian and American foreign diplomats were having a crisis meeting over iranian pursuits of atomic weapons, and during an official break in the meeting the iranian pulled the American aside and said ”my son loves your American TV show Star Trek , and i was curious that Cptn Kirk’s crew were made up from many different ethnics , cultures and of both genders , they even have an alien Spock.Why don’t they have any muslims in the crew?”
    ”Because it’s set in the future” said the American :cool:

  17. Darin says:
    November 10, 2011 at 14:16

    Well we did it partly,Tuesdays elections here saw our first back to back republican governorships ever.

    The first Republican control of the state house,senate and governorship since reconstruction.

    The ballot initiative to require voter ID at the polls passed overwhelmingly as did the one to limit the state’s eminent domain powers.

    The one loss was on the person hood amendment,but it will likely be retooled and ran through the legislature at a later date.

    With the exception of that one loss all in all it was a good night.

  18. Scumsucker says:
    November 11, 2011 at 04:55

    I note that today David Farrar (the short-ass bald wanker) described Phil Goof as ‘a decent man’.

    Pathetic.

  19. mara says:
    November 11, 2011 at 18:39

    KG, your owls interest me. The only one worth a damm is third from the right. The others look either obedient or thick or both. Will they all vote this year? Jeez, I hope not.